Marriage God's Style

The disintegration of the family is the most devastating internal issue facing our nation in general and urban American in particular. Families touch every area of society; their strengths and weaknesses, to a large degree, determine the strengths and weaknesses of churches and communities. If there is weak male leadership in the home, the same will be true in the church. If children are rebellious in the home, the same will apply in schools and on the streets.

Foundational to strong families are strong marriages. Put another way, failed marriages cannot produce the unified, enduring families needed to support our troubled society. When children grow up in loveless homes, they don't learn the crucial lessons necessary to develop good self-images now and to build strong marriages for themselves later. When children see their fathers coercing submission from their mothers through fear and intimidation, they learn a warped definition of manhood and womanhood, which often results in poor behavior and communication.

When a father abandons his family, a son learns that this is an option for him in the future, and a daughter learns to fear a similar desertion by the man she marries. These and far too many other situations like them are especially devastating in urban settings where, coupled with many other problems, there is a massive destruction of the family.

If urban America is going to rebuild its communities morally, socially, and spiritually, it is going to have to begin by rebuilding families. To do that, marriages must function as God intended. That is particularly important for Christian marriages, because the church is the most potent force for community change. If the church is to be properly equipped to bring about that change, it needs to be focused on building strong families. Christian marriages must be solid so that the family unit and thereby the church can do its job effectively.

Many men and women tell their biggest lie on their wedding day. He (or she) stands before a minister, family, and friends to commit his life to a partner. He says, ``I promise to love, honor, and cherish you in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for better or worse, for as long as we both shall live.'' Then, before long, he is divorced or wishes he were.

Maybe you are one of those people in an unhappy marriage. You may sit in a pew every Sunday morning singing that your God is so high you can't get over Him, so low you can't get under Him, and so wide you can't get around Him but back at home you and your spouse have agreed that even God can't put your marriage back together. What a contradiction! In fact, that's more than a contradiction; it's sinful. Given the fact that our own strength is limited, it's not hard to understand why marriages aren't surviving the pressures of the twentieth century. But we don't have to rely on our own finite powers. With Christ as our enabler, we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us (Philippians 4:13). When Paul wrote those encouraging words to the church at Philippi, he wasn't saying that he could fly on his own power if he chose to, but he was promising that everything Christ commanded him to do, Christ would enable him to accomplish.

If I had the athletic ability of Hank Aaron, I could hit many home runs. If I had the musical ability of Mozart, I could create beautiful music. If I had the mind of Einstein, I could solve difficult equations. In other words, if I had the ability those men had, I could do what they did. That is what Paul was saying. Christ gave Paul the ability to do everything that He commanded. Because Christ commanded that marriages be permanent, each believer has the ability to accomplish God's will for marriage. The problems and challenges that marriage involves should cause us to seek and apply the power of God, not divorce our spouses.

I enjoy a good game of basketball. In fact, I'm unstoppable . . . when I play alone. When unopposed, I can make any play and shoot any shot. One day, I had an opportunity to play ``one-on-one'' with Dallas Mavericks' star forward, Mark Aguire. Suddenly, I wasn't playing as well!

My ability isn't tested when I play without opposition; the test of my ability is how good I am when the other team steps onto the court. When I went up to shoot with 6 feet 6 inches' worth of opposition in front of me, the true measure of my ability was revealed.

So it is with marriage. Conflicts shouldn't destroy the union; they should show the power of Christ within us. Because Christ never asks us to do what He has not already given us the ability to do, marital conflict can be the area in which we show the difference Christ makes.

I become discouraged when I see young men shirk their responsibilities to marriage and family and use social issues as an excuse. Although problems such as racism, injustice, and unemployment are painfully real, they are no more overwhelming than those our great-grandparents faced in slavery. Because of their godly faith and obedience, they overcame seemingly insurmountable obstacles to give their children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren a precious family heritage. We need to follow the tradition of our ancestors if we are going to withstand Satan's attack on the family. We can avoid divorce, but, like our ancestors, we need to rely on God's strength.

Did you ever notice that Satan never bothered Adam before Eve was created? As long as Adam was single, Satan left him alone. But as soon as he was united with Eve the attack was launched. Why? Because Satan's long-term goal is to destroy the whole human race, not just one man. Satan's attacks are focused on the husband-wife relationship, because by destroying that, he destroys children as well. Making marriage work is a matter of spiritual warfare that involves defeating Satan in his attempt to overcome us, our families, and our communities.

There is no area in which God's power needs to be more graphically demonstrated than in marriage. Today, over half of all marriages end in divorce. Wife and child abuse is on the rise in families of every class and color. Nearly 60 percent of all black families are headed by single females and that figure continues to climb. Compounding this tragedy is the fact that not only are the marriages of non-Christians being destroyed, but believers are streaming into the divorce courts as well. For Christians to experience such defeat is an embarrassment to the kingdom of God and an insult to the Creator of marriage.

The Bible tells us that God has the power to do anything He wills. Although God is all-powerful, many Christians don't believe He can keep their homes together. Christians often don't recognize God's power to heal their hurts and repair the damage to their marriages and families. Instead of running to God for help, they accept defeat and sometimes adopt loose living because ``everyone is doing it.'' It is not unusual to hear Christians excusing their immorality with statements like, ``I'm only human.'' They have bought Satan's lie that failure in one's personal life and in one's marital life is to be expected. One woman summed up the contemporary attitude this way: ``When I got married I was looking for an ideal, but marriage has become such an ordeal that I want a new deal.''

In some Christian homes, battle lines are drawn. Husbands are looking at their wives and saying, ``If I hadn't married you, I'd be successful and important by now.'' And wives are looking at their husbands and saying, ``If I hadn't married you, I wouldn't be stuck at home with four kids while you're out having a good time.'' Negative, selfish attitudes like those are bringing tension in many homes to an explosive level. The fact is, many people simply don't know how to be married. They have never studied God's instruction manual on marriage. The Bible provides clear guidelines for making good, stable marriages, but too many people are looking for directions in other places and ruining their marriages in the process.

Many people subscribe to the popular version of love and marriage that begins when two young people fall in love an emotional experience identified by chills, thrills, and butterflies in their stomachs. With eyes only for each other, the infatuated pair promise undying love and rush to the altar to pronounce their vows. Unfortunately, soon after they say, ``I do,'' they don't anymore. Their relationship looks as if they were married by the Secretary of War instead of the Justice of the Peace. Divorce seems the only way to forge a truce.

I recently came across an interesting illustration of the way marriages deteriorate over the years. The comments are those of a husband whose wife has caught a cold during the successive years of their marriage.

Year 1 -``Sugar dumpling, this cold is making you mighty uncomfortable. Won't you let your lover boy take his baby to the doctor to get rid of that nasty cough?''

Year 2 - ``Darling, that cold seems to be getting worse. Call Dr. Miller.''

Year 3 - ``You'd better lie down, dear, and rest with that cold before the baby wakes up.''

Year 4 - ``Be sensible now and take care of that cold before it gets any worse.''

Year 5 - ``You'll be all right. Just take some aspirin. By the way, how about ironing these pants for me to wear today?''

Year 6 - ``Would you do something about that cough, instead of barking like a seal?''

Year 7 - ``Woman, do something about that cold before you give me pneumonia!''

An example like this one makes a very subtle process look obvious. As a marriage decays, our focus shifts from concern for our spouse, to mutual concern, to concern for ourselves. Whether consciously or unconsciously, both husbands and wives frequently fall prey to this phenomenon. And the process of deterioration can be alarmingly quick.

How can things fall apart a week after the honeymoon? And why do marriages break down after ten, fifteen, and even twenty-five years? The root cause is the failure to understand God's design and purpose for marriage.

Genesis 2 contains the detailed account of God's creation of mankind and marriage. In this dual event God provided a model of things to come. The earthly marriage of Adam and Eve in the past is an illustration of Christ's union with the church in the future (Ephesians 5:32). To help us understand this heavenly mystery, God gave us marriage to demonstrate what it is going to be like when we gather at the second coming of Christ and are united with Him. In this life, men and women are married to one another. But when we are gathered together in heaven, there will be no marriage between husbands and wives (Mark 12:25). Instead, every member of the church will be wed to Christ.

Knowing that marriage is a model of the eternal union of the believer and Christ in heaven gives us a second reason for improving the quality of our marriages. Everyone agrees that a good marriage is more pleasant and beneficial than an unhappy one. But equally important, a good marriage is a model of the heavenly union of God with the believer. In other words, your marriage might win someone to Christ or cause him to turn away from God's offer of salvation. That in itself should be reason enough for us to learn to be godly mates and live the abundant life in the context of a Christian marriage.

As we review the details of the first union of a man and woman, a great deal can be learned about what God had in mind when He created marriage. When God made man, three Persons were involved: the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. They created man in Their image, imparting Their nature to him so that man, in a sense, had Their nature. Before the fall, Adam was able to walk and talk with God in the way two friends might visit on a summer evening. During those talks, God made His will clear to Adam. Among the topics they discussed was work. In verse 15, God places Adam in the garden and appoints him to be its overseer a pleasant job in a fertile garden where there were no weeds, no destructive insects, and no droughts. Then God gave Adam instructions to enjoy all the fruit of the garden, with one exception: the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. God gave Adam lessons about work and following instructions even before He created a mate for him.

The first lesson we can draw from this is a warning for single women. Women, when you consider a man for marriage, remember that before God gave Adam a wife, He gave him responsibility. It's clear from the order in which these events took place that God wants a husband to work and to be responsible. That shows us that a lazy and irresponsible man no matter how attractive is not a good choice. Marriage won't make him a responsible provider and leader. God wants the best for each of His daughters. Consider your choice of a mate carefully, and follow God's standard by marrying only a man who demonstrates while he is single that he can and will take care of you in marriage.

The second lesson, based on verses 16 and 17, indicates why so many marriages break up. ``The Lord God commanded the man, saying, `From any tree of the garden you may eat freely; but from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat from it you shall surely die.''' God gave Adam work to do in the garden, and with those instructions He prepared Adam to live there. That conversation with Adam points us to the weakness in most homes: most husbands don't know what God has said. If you ask the average man what God has said about his responsibility to his wife, to his children, and to himself as the head of the home, he will either admit he doesn't know or give an answer that demonstrates he doesn't know. And instead of looking to God for answers, these husbands either listen to their friends on the corner or adopt standards from TV. Because they don't know God well enough, they base their personal identities on clothes, cars, cash or romantic conquests. That reduces manhood to a primitive and degrading level.

God's definition of manhood is the ability to put divine truth into action at home and on the job. No amount of strength, good looks or liquid assets can improve his performance from God's perspective.

It is important for us to recognize that God didn't bring a woman into Adam's life until he had a job and divine insight. Only when Adam met those two requirements was he ready for marriage. And only then did God provide a mate for him. In verse 18, God says, ``It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make a helper suitable for him.'' Creating a mate for Adam was God's idea, not Adam's. That reminds us that all of God's plans are perfect. If you're in a bad marriage, it's not because God had a bad idea. Marriage is ideal; it's the people who are bound together in the relationship who make it good or bad. (If you're in a difficult relationship, don't let this discourage you. God wants your marriage to succeed and is ready to help you and your mate as soon as you are willing to do things His way.)

God brought to a responsible, godly man a woman who was to be his helper. The word helper means ``one who is brought alongside to assist.'' Throughout the Bible, women were give one basic responsibility: to help. After Eve plucked the forbidden fruit and shared it with Adam, God sought out Adam. God put the burden of the responsibility for the home on Adam, not Eve. Woman was created to come alongside man to assist him; she was never meant to bear the burden of responsibility for the home and family. Whenever a husband shifts that burden over to his wife, he makes a serious mistake. Generally speaking, that gives the wife a level of responsibility that God never planned for her to have. God intended and still intends for the husband to carry the weight of the responsibility for the home. We see the results of failure to follow God's directions in black households where women are forced to be mother, father, and breadwinner because there is no husband present. The destructiveness of this arrangement is obvious. God made man to head the household, and no other plan devised by man is a good substitute for God's plan.

I can hear some of you complaining, ``You sure are hard on men.'' You're right. But that's only because men are to be the leaders. As leaders, men are held accountable for their marriages in the same way that Adam was called to account for Eve's surrender to the serpent (Genesis 3:1-6).

Of course, this does not absolve women from responsibility. Did you know that God did not command women to love their husbands? God expects wives to love their husbands and expects older women to teach younger women how to love their husbands (Titus 2:3-4), but His command is for women to respect their husbands (Ephesians 5:33). Because men have strong egos, they have a great need for recognition. Just as women have a need to be loved, men have a need to be respected. That is why Peter tells wives not to use the tongue to turn around disobedient husbands but rather to use reverence (1 Peter 3:1-2). A man wants to feel like a king. When his wife gives him that respect, he is more likely to keep his wife happy so that she can keep him feeling like a king. That is why Paul teaches that husbands must love their wives, and wives must respect their husbands. If each spouse follows the command given to them, the pair will become the unit God intended.

The greatest thing a wife can do for her husband is to follow Sarah's example. Sarah called Abraham ``lord,'' recognizing his position as head of the household and as a demonstration of sincere respect (1 Peter 3:6). That pleased Abraham, but, more important, it pleased God. In fact, God honored Sarah so much that He closed the wombs of the women of a whole household in order to protect her (Genesis 20:18).

Respect is particularly needed by men in the black community. Often black males don't receive respect at their jobs. In a society where many black men are still looked at as ``boy'' no matter what their age, there needs to be a place where they know they are respected. That place should be the home.

Demonstrating this kind of respect involves submission. I know that submission is an unpopular word. But when women understand submission from a biblical perspective, they will see that it is a positive force to accomplish good, not a technique designed to diminish their status or value. The Greek word for submission means to place oneself under the authority of another. Instead of coercion or helplessness, the word implies a willingness to take who and what God made you and submit it to the authority of another. Biblical submission in marriage reflects a willingness to use your talents, opportunities, and gifts to achieve the goals established by God for the good of your marriage.

The perfect illustration of submission is Jesus Christ Himself, who ``although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross'' (Philippians 2:6-8). Although Jesus was equal with God, He put aside the independent use of His attributes and placed Himself under the absolute authority of His Father for the redemption of mankind. At no point did Jesus stop being equal with the Father. That's clear from His miracles and claims to deity. But He did submit them to His Father so that the goal of providing salvation could be achieved. If Christ had not been willing to submit, there could be no salvation for mankind.

We obviously profited by Christ's submission. Did that make the Lord the loser in the bargain? Philippians 2:9-10 says, ``Therefore also God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name, that at the name of Jesus, every knee should bow, of those who are in heaven, and on earth, and under the earth.''

The point is that the wife must reverence her husband, and the husband must exalt his wife in love in order to nurture their relationship. If your spouse fails to keep his or her part of the bargain, so be it. Be the mate God designed you to be. You won't be sorry.

The mate God gave you was created to fit together with you in marriage. When God created Adam, He knew that the man needed a partner, because he was lonely and in need of someone similar to himself. Genesis 2:18 says God decided to make ``a helper suitable for him.'' A suitable helper was one who made man complete, one who helped him fulfill God's intentions for his life. God made woman to complete man. That tells us that man alone could not be all that God wanted him to be.

Whenever a man says, ``I have achieved so much,'' he ought always to include, ``because I have a helper at home who enabled me.'' A godly man must acknowledge his wife's contribution to his success. On every rung of the ladder of success, there is ample room for two sets of feet!

In order to prepare the first man for marriage, God began to lead Adam toward the idea that he needed companionship. To help him discover that need, God set Adam to work naming the animals. Before long, Adam noticed that for every ram there was a ewe, and for every rooster there was a hen. For all of the world's animals there were corresponding mates, but for the man there was no one who could fulfill his needs.

There is a tremendously important lesson for us here, so I'd like to stop and address the women first and then the men. Women, if you are single and dating a man who won't admit he needs you, think twice before you marry him. God would not have created Eve if Adam was self- sufficient. Adam, like all men, needed a helpmate.

Men, do you know what that means to you? Manhood is not the ability to make it alone. God planned for each man to be made complete through marriage to a specific woman. Lifetime monogamy dedicating yourself in marriage to one woman is more than a prerequisite for marital survival. It is essential to the growth and development of men. Recognizing this truth isn't a sign of weakness; in fact, quite the opposite.

This understanding should also underscore the fact that sexual activity and masculinity are not synonyms. Every animal God created is capable of reproduction. How much ``manly strength'' does it take to surrender to animal-like urges? Genuine manhood is the ability to see your need for a specific helpmate and to commit the rest of your life to her alone.

As Adam named species after species of animal, he began to experience a new emotion: loneliness. When this happened, ``the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man'' (Genesis 2:21) so that He could perform an operation. God opened Adam's side, removed a rib, and closed up his flesh. Then while Adam was still sleeping, God ``fashioned'' a woman from Adam's rib. The word ``fashioned'' in Hebrew means ``to build.'' God purposely constructed a woman that man would consider well- fashioned and pleasing. Having done this with Eve, God brought her to Adam an example of good matchmaking.

Do you ever wonder what Eve first saw and how she responded when she opened her eyes? We know that what she saw was God, in whatever form He had taken, because the Bible tells us that Adam was fast asleep a little way from them. Still, I wish the Word told us exactly what she said. Though it does not, I can assure you that her first observation was not, ``Here I am an adult woman, and I'm not married yet!''

Eve had an advantage over single women living today. When Eve was created, there was one man for one woman. Today wars, accidents, and sickness have caused an imbalance so that there are more women on the earth than men and many more committed Christian women than Christian men, especially in the black community. That means that if you are a single woman, three options are available to you. One option is to remain single and adopt an immoral life-style that allows you to engage in relationships with men to whom you are not married. Another option is to marry a non-Christian. In both cases you forfeit the matchmaking fellowship of God. Until the Lord brings you a mate who is born again, God wants you to do what Eve did choose the third option and make yourself available to God's leading. If marriage is a part of God's perfect plan for you, He'll do the matchmaking according to His plan and schedule.

Because Eve was available to God, He became a perfect matchmaker by bringing her to Adam. When Adam woke and saw God's choice for him, he said words that are literally translated, ``This is now'' (v. 23). That seems like a strange thing to say until we understand that the spirit behind the Hebrew words is joyous astonishment and could be translated, ``Ooooweee!'' Here was the solution to his loneliness. Now Adam was like God's other creations, complete with a suitable mate. After he calmed down, Adam returned to his job of naming all God's creatures, calling man ``ish'' and woman ``isha,'' for woman was taken out of man.

From that day on, Adam had a rib missing, and Eve had the rib that belonged to Adam. Marriage gave Adam back what he had lost and gave Eve what she had not possessed. In God's perfect plan, they made each other complete.

In light of God's plan for wholeness in marriage, one of the most uninformed statements that a husband or wife can make is, ``We are not compatible.'' Sometimes the words change: ``We don't have anything in common,'' or, ``We are as different as night and day.'' Of course you are if both of you were the same, one of you would be unnecessary! The reason you need each other is because you are different. One likes coffee; the other likes tea. One goes to bed early; the other stays up late. One of the sweetest blessings God has give me is a woman who has a personality totally different from mine. I'm an outgoing, exuberant, public personality while my wife is sedate and serene. We are different, and that is according to God's plan. Because our personalities are in contrast, when I'm too out-going, her reserve pulls me back, and when she is too reserved, my enthusiasm pulls her forward. Occasionally this causes friction, but those are minor distractions. Our goal remains to make our God-given differences work for us instead of against us.

The presence of sin in the world has clouded this understanding. However, if we would simply look for what God is trying to teach us through the mate He has given us, we would be growing rather than griping. You may say, ``I don't believe God gave me my mate.'' It's too late for that conclusion! Even if it is correct, God will teach you how to love and learn from the one you're with. And the Lord has laid out clear guidelines for doing that, as we'll see.

Adam recognized immediately how distinctly different Eve was from him, and he was excited about those differences. Adam also knew that Eve was part of him; she made him complete and drove his loneliness away. He called her ``bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh.'' She was his helpmate and completer. It was love at first sight for Adam and Eve what we call a ``match made in heaven'' and with God's blessing they married immediately.

Although it was Adam who gave us the introduction to marriage vows, the words were prompted by God. Verse 24 says, ``For this cause [because she was taken out of man], a man shall leave his father and his mother [Adam didn't have parents but would have left them for Eve], and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.'' That is marriage in a nutshell: leave, cleave, and become one. The great tragedy is that most people have heard these words many times but don't know what they mean.

Let's take a closer look at this passage. The first step in marriage is for the man to leave his father and mother. If you are going to marry, you must be willing to sever ties. Women, if a man tells you he's going to marry you but is not willing to break with everything necessary to show you that there is nothing more important in life than loving you and spending time with you, that man doesn't understand marriage and isn't ready for it. Marriage means demonstrating a willingness to give up everything, because, as Adam said, ``This is now!'' Although a man might say he loves you, and as much as you'd like to think he's promising to share his whole life with you, he may only plan to work you into his schedule. He may not be planning to sever any ties, cut back on any activities, or give up anything for you. That kind of man doesn't know what marriage is about.

God asks a man to give up the closest ties he has, because one of woman's greatest needs in marriage is for security. That is why a woman will sometimes ask her husband to hold her. Most men misinterpret that as a request for physical intimacy, but if the emotional need for security is on her mind, she is not thinking about physical desires. Because a wife needs to feel secure, a husband must leave his former ties. There must be something he gives up for his wife in order to demonstrate to her how deep a commitment he is willing to make. When he does that, he will begin to understand what marriage is all about.

Second, a husband must cleave to his wife. The word ``cleave'' means to stick like glue or to attach oneself in a vise-like grip. In marriage, this is more than a literal, physical attachment. It is not only union with a body; it is union with a whole person. Too often a man's ``Let me love you'' means ``Let me please me.'' To cleave to a woman is to work toward pleasing her, not yourself. She needs to know that her husband has her interest at heart and is willing to stick to her like glue.

To some men, this sounds more like slavery than mere sacrifice. In fact, I'm reminded of a time when a man came to me to discuss a major problem in his marriage: his wife wanted him to spend all of his free time with her. With the exception of the hours he spent on the job, she expected him to be always at her side, with no time for friends or interests of his own. Although he loved her, he complained that he felt like a prisoner of his own wife.

I suggested that he try a program for thirty days and promised him that by the end of that time his wife would give him the freedom he was hoping for. My instructions were simple: stick to her like glue. Wherever she goes, go with her. Whatever she does, do it with her. For one month, be her slave.

The man seemed upset by my advice and accused me of adding weight to his burden. Nevertheless, he reluctantly agreed to give the plan a try. After a month had passed, he stopped me on the church grounds to tell me how it had turned out. For thirty days he had cheerfully done everything his wife asked him to do and had spent all his free time at her side. At first his wife had been puzzled by his cooperation, and then pleased, but as the days went by she began to want him out from under her feet. She discovered that she needed time for her own friends and interests. She wanted time to work and shop by herself. In less than thirty days she was suggesting that he go out with his friends and spend some of his leisure time away from the house and on his own. Thirty days brought him the freedom they both needed to give balance and greater harmony to their marriage.

There is also a special way in which leaving and cleaving provides freedom. The answer is in the last phrase of verse 24, which says, ``Man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh'' (emphasis added). Did you notice the change in the pronouns from he to they? God says a man must leave and cleave before he and his wife will become one. That's a promise. They shall become one flesh. If a husband leaves and cleaves the way God intended, his wife will respond the way he (and God) wants her to respond.

When God made woman, He made her to be a responder. He made her a little softer, a little warmer, a little more emotional in order to respond to man. In other words, when a husband leaves and cleaves to his wife, she will join him and begin to respond to him so that the very thing the husband wants, he will receive by giving not by demanding. God does not want a wife to love her husband and respond to him because he demands it; God wants her to do it as a natural response. God wants a wife to respond because a husband overloads her emotional circuits with loving care, because he wears her out with love and attention. I tell many men who come to me for marital counseling, ``Stop pushing so hard, and start loving a little more. Stop complaining so much, and start loving a little harder.'' If a husband lets his wife know she is loved and makes her feel secure, he won't have to worry about her fulfilling her responsibility to the home. He won't have to worry about their physical relationship. She will be right there, responding to his needs. But one must leave in the sense God intended. You must say, ``Fellows, I can't hang out with you tonight. I've got a wife at home I want to spend time with. I think I'll take her out tonight.'' I will guarantee you that when you are that kind of husband, you will get the kind of response you want without demanding.

Some of you men may be saying, ``I'm trying. How come my wife isn't responding?'' It has to do with the different emotional ``wiring'' of men and women. A man can become angry with his wife at 10:00 and be ready to kiss and make up by 10:30. He previously was a powder keg with a short fuse, but in thirty minutes, his whole demeanor has changed. On the other hand, if a wife becomes angry with her husband at ten in the morning, she may still be angry at ten o'clock that night and sometimes the night after that! Her emotions take much longer to stabilize.

A husband can shorten that recovery time significantly if he takes the time to learn how. It requires what some call ``tough love'' a decision to love with or without response, no matter how difficult the process. For many husbands, loving unconditionally will require an apology and a new start. ``I've failed. I haven't loved you the way I was supposed to love you, and I know that it has affected our relationship. I'm going to change. I'm going to love you deeply the way you need to be loved.'' It's going to take that kind of commitment to succeed in marriage. For some men, that will be a new decision; for others it will be a continuation of a commitment already made. New or old, it will be worth it.

Psalm 128 contains an interesting note on the responsive nature of women and how it affects the home. The passage tells us that a man who fears the Lord (a man who walks with God) will find his wife becoming like a fruitful grapevine in his house. In a favorable climate, grapevines need no coaxing to grow. Given the right environment, they will grow and produce grapes from which wine (a drink symbolizing celebration and happiness in biblical times) is made. It is the same in the home. The husband is responsible for creating a climate in which his wife can flourish. When that happens, he can naturally expect a joyful response. The husband can anticipate joy from his labor.

``Climate control'' involves a number of requirements. First, the husband must be at home enough to create and maintain an ideal temperature. The husband who is rarely at home cannot do that because his absences frustrate his wife and damage her self-confidence. Second, the husband must know what his wife needs in order for her to grow. That means he must spend quality time with his mate if he is going to receive a quality response.

The west wall of a house in which I once lived was covered with a vine. Each summer that vine grew with incredible speed. Summer rains and the warmth of the sun called forth its best efforts to cover that wall with gorgeous foliage. In no time at all it had to be trimmed and then trimmed again as it began to grow under the window trim, through the brick exterior, and under the roof of the house. This vine delighted me with its exuberant growth.

So it is with a wife who finds her husband providing the right climate. She will delight her husband with her love, providing him with the joy he needs and desires. The better and more constant the climate, the better, faster, and more consistent the wife's growth will be. As she grows and is fulfilled, her husband will benefit from her growth.

Some will respond to these ideas by saying that this approach puts too much weight on the husband's shoulders. My answer is simple. The responsibility is already his because he is the leader of the home. Even if he is not the cause of all the problems, the responsibility still falls on him.

This is clearly taught in Ephesians 5:25-27: ``Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her; that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless'' (emphasis added). Look carefully at the italicized portion of that verse. It is the church that has the spots and wrinkles, but Jesus bears upon Himself the responsibility for identifying and removing them. That means it is the responsibility of the husband to enable his wife to overcome her faults. Why? Because that reflects the nature of Christ. If Christ responded to us in the way we respond to Him, we would have died a long time ago. Fortunately, Christ works with us in every way possible in order to mold us into His likeness. That can be a difficult and time-consuming task; in fact, it takes a lifetime. So does marriage. It takes a lifetime to become totally ``one flesh'' in marriage, and that is why marriage is ``till death do us part.'' If a wife has bad habits, it's her husband's job to change them. If she has a negative personality, her husband must accept the project of readjusting it. If she is overweight and he doesn't like it, he must lead the way by eating sensibly and exercising regularly.

Many of the men reading this may be worrying about their wives' reactions to this plan. If we stop and think about it, we don't respond to Christ as we ought to either, but He still works with us, forgiving us for the same things over and over, and continually coaxing us forward. That's the nature of covenant love.

Marriage is a covenant, too a covenant in which a man and a woman agree to love one another through good and bad circumstances no matter what. Sure, that's difficult, but Paul gave us one rule for providing the kind of nurturing love that bonds husband and wife together. Continuing with the verses quoted above, Paul wrote, ``So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies'' (v.28). Simply stated, a man should do for his wife only those things that he would like to have done for himself. Since he doesn't slap his own body around, even when it displeases him, so a man has no right to hit his wife. If he does accidentally hurt himself, for example, in shaving, he takes great pains to ease the discomfort and stop the bleeding. In the same way, if he causes his wife pain, he ought to tenderly care for her to the best of his ability. Apart from this kind of tender care, the apostle Peter says men's prayers will be hindered (1 Peter 3:7). That is to say that God determines whether He will communicate with a husband based on his willingness to communicate in a sensitive and loving way with his wife. Why? Because husband and wife are one. To be at odds with one another is to be in sin, and that breaks fellowship with God. Given this kind of love over time, there are not many women especially those walking with the Lord who won't respond.

God concludes His description of marriage by saying, ``The man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed'' (Genesis 2:25). When you think of nakedness, naturally physical nakedness comes to mind. But the idea is broader than that. Adam and Eve were unclothed, but, more important, they were transparent, open to one another in friendship. Is your wife or your husband your best friend? Is your mate the person with whom you share your total being? If not, why don't you begin to share yourselves more fully with one another, remembering that you are one in marriage and one in God's sight?

Some of you may be asking what to do about marriages that have lost their luster. Can they be revived? The answer is a resounding ``yes!'' In fact, the formula for success is quite simple, although the application may be difficult. It is the same formula God gave to the church at Ephesus, which had lost its zeal for the Savior (Revelation 2:5). The relationship between Christ and the members of that church had become so dead that Christ was ready to walk out and leave them to their loveless rituals, but God offered them a formula for revival of their first love: remember, repent, and return.

First, they were to remember their previous situation. To put it another way, they needed to turn back the hands of time to reflect on the early days when love ruled their lives. Can you remember that time in your marriage? Husbands, do you remember how you used to open the car door for your sweetheart? Now she may be lucky to get into the car before you drive off! And wives, do you remember how much you enjoyed cooking your husband's favorite meals? Now you may not care whether he eats or not. The problem is that we forget those initial days of joy, happiness, and wonder the same symptoms that often affect our relationship with Christ. The point is that if you will remember how your relationship was, you'll know that it can be that way again. Take time together to remember and smile at the memories.

Second, the formula calls for repentance. To confess that you are wrong is tough, especially when words are not enough. To repent means not only to change your thinking, but to change the actions that result from your thoughts. To repent is to turn and go in the opposite direction, the right direction. In this case, the right direction is probably the early stage of your marriage. It is the direction of the past where your relationship with one another took precedence over your careers, other friends, and even your own interests. To repent you must stop, turn 180 degrees, and return to the relationship you should never have left.

Finally, the church at Ephesus was told to return to the works it did at first. For couples that means returning to that former relationship to redo it. You can't return to the past, because those days are gone forever and can never be reclaimed. But you can bring the works of the past into the present and the future simply by redoing them in a consistent, loving fashion. You can go on dates together. You can send those special love notes, flowers, and cards. You can make those surprise calls and do those little, but all-important acts of caring and sensitivity such as opening the car door and helping her up the steps, or complementing him and letting him lead the way. Granted, it may be a little tougher now, since you'll have to go against the winds of tension that have plagued your relationship, but it's a question of how much you want the feelings of love back. The prize is worth the effort.

I know some of will say that it's your mate's fault and that he or she should do the remembering, repenting, and returning. That's probably not altogether true since it usually takes two to fight. But even if it is true, remember that Jesus bore the penalty even though He was innocent. He bore our sins to bring us to God (1 Peter 3:18). Following His example may take a willingness to go to the limit to win our mates back.

I realize that following the formula above is not easy. That's where your dependence on the Holy Spirit comes in. Without His enabling, you are merely trying by human effort to produce a supernatural response. God has give every believer the power to accomplish whatever God commands not through human effort, but through the Holy Spirit's work. Husbands, love your wives whether you feel like it or not, because God commands it and the Holy Spirit can accomplish it if you will yield to His power by faith. Wives, submit to your husbands by the Holy Spirit's power. Let him know you respect his position as head of the family. Let the Holy Spirit work to bring back that first love and to develop the relationship you want.

The Trinity is made up of three co-equal persons who are one: God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. Marriage is an earthly replica of this divine trinity three persons who are one: a man, a woman, and the Lord. You cannot leave God at the altar and expect to have a happy marriage.Christ's resurrection power operating in your life is the only power that can save your life, your marriage, and your home. When Christ arose from the dead, He gave mankind access to the power of His resurrection. That power can enable you and your mate to live together, love one another, trust each other, and share life with one another until death parts you. God alone has given mankind the ability to do that.

You may say, ``Wait a minute. What about the divorce rate? What about all the broken homes?'' The divorce figures in the United States are astronomical and the number of broken homes heartbreaking. The fact is that people don't know God. The problems in these homes are ultimately a reflection of men and women's estrangement from God. But there is good news. God sent His Son Jesus Christ to earth to die on the cross as a substitute for mankind's sin. Whenever men or women respond to Christ in faith, trusting Him alone as Savior, He not only forgives them but empowers them to live new resurrection lives as they live in obedience to Him.

It's this power of God operating in your life that makes marriage work. If you haven't made that personal decision to turn the totality of your life over to Jesus Christ, you don't have that resurrection power. But you can have it if you believe Christ rose from the dead to give you power to be the kind of husband or wife that He has called you to be. When you give Him your life, then you will experience marriage as God planned it.

God made marriage, and He can make it work. I challenge you to commit yourselves to the Lord. Let Him remake your marriage into a marriage, God's style.

If you would like to know more about the ministry of The Urban Alternative or would like to drop us a note, please write to us at P.O. Box 4000 Dallas, TX 75208 or call us at 1 (800) 800- 3222. You can also drop us a note via our fax machine at (214) 943-2632.